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Alanna reflecting on the price her life as a knight has cost her.
Here's to hoping this is where this post should go....
More Than Enough
A dark coastal storm raged over the fortress of Pirates Swoop. It seemed as if rain was always falling, the sky constantly storming, the sky dark. How long has it been? Alanna wondered gazing despondently out the window of her bed chamber. Outside, the banners of Trebond, Olau and Pirates Swoop whipped in the wind. Beside them was her own standard, the Lioness Rampant, the symbol that marked her First Lady Knight of Tortall. Beside that flew the banner of the Kings Champion, What good are they? She wondered. For all the titles I hold, he is still gone. For all my victories, I managed to lose the most important battle.
Or was it because of those titles? Alanna wasn’t sure how it had happened. Even now, threeyears later, she was still unsure of the events that ended with George to leave her. The only thing she knew for certain was that it was her fault. She had never considered that they would not be together, never thought they could ever be parted. What a fool she was.
The storm continued to pound outside, giving voice to the anger and unfairness that Alanna was to tired to show anymore. Three years. Goddess help me, he’s been gone three long, long years. Alanna stood and paced the room, dragging a hand through her already mussed hair. The irony of it all was that she had asked for this. She wanted the life of a warrior, always running into battle, never realizing a war from which there was no recovery was being waged at home. She had been gone more than she had been with home, protecting the weak, bringing down those of evil, making wrongs right. She lived out her dream of being a knight. A hard, dangerous life, bringing justice to the land.
But where is my justice? Alanna’s mind screamed as lightning streaked across the sky. I have always done the work of the good, of the right, and here is my reward. My husband gone. My love gone. And she would never get the chance to say she was sorry, tell him that she loved him, always loved him, even after he left her, when he swore they would always be together. If it meant his return, Alanna knew she would give up her adventuring. Anything to get him back. She loved him that much, she knew that now. For all the good it did her. After all this time, Alanna still felt his loss like no other.
Normally she wouldn't allow herself to think about it. Hid the pain away. On nights like to night, however, during a storm such as this, Alanna couldn't help herself. Restlessly, Alanna stepped out into the veranda that overlooked the crashing sea below. The rain was cold, falling hard enough to sting her skin. She wished the storm could wash away her pain. Brave. I have to be brave now. Alanna thought warily, hands gripping the railing of the cold stone balcony. But I’m so tired of being brave. She had to be strong for the children, a living reminder of George. Of course, they blamed Alanna for their fathers leaving them. Oh, they never said it out loud, but they did. After all, was she not the first Lady Knight of Tortall? The fierce warrior shaman of the Bloody Hawk? The Kings Champion? People like you are the fulcrums on which the future turns.’ Faithful once said. But Faithful was dead now and for all of her power, Alanna had not been able to keep George by her side. Now, after his loss, her knighthood, her titles, her existence seemed pointless.
Alanna remembered how George had loved storms like this. They had stood on this very balcony during many storms, as if daring the Gods to do their worst. The twins had been born in such a storm like the one that now raged. George had been with her every moment of that difficult delivery. Even after the twins were born he refused to leave her, staying until he was sure of Alanna’s good health. Grief clogged her throat, making her chest heave as she gasped for air. Looking up at the sky, Alanna’s heart and soul raged.
"It wasn’t supposed to be like this!" She screamed raggedly to the storming sky, her own tears mixing with the rain. "I’m the one who chose to fight! It should have been me!" She was yelled, her words carried off by the blasting winds. "Not George," she whispered, "Never George. It should have been me." Leaning against the rail, she closed her eyes tightly as grief and guilt rolled over her. She had loved, just as the Goddess instructed, but her love had left her. Was it Alanna’s destiny to end up alone?
Hearing the crash of the waves, she stood and gazed down at the crashing ocean. It would be easy, she knew. Easy to let it all go, be free of the pain and guilt. One small step and it would all be over. Rain streamed down her hair and face in rivulets as she leaned far over the side of the balcony, eyes locked on the smashing waves. With a cry, Alanna wrench herself away from the rail. She stumbled and fell to the ground, her body shaking violently, stomach heaving. Even now, she thought miserably, I can’t bring myself to go to him. Even now, I let my life, my titles, all the people that depend on me, come between us.
A warm hand cupped her cold and wet cheek. Looking up, Alanna saw King Jonathan of Conte, his sapphire eyes blazing in the dark of the storm. "Alanna." he said thickly. "You have to stop this."
Alanna tried valiantly to pull herself together. The King had enough worries with out dealing with her problems.
"Stop what?" she asked over brightly, trying to smile.
"Do you think I don’t know?" He demanded bluntly. "Do you think I’m blind? You try to act as if all is fine, but it is not. You are not fine."
Alanna looked away from him. "Your getting wet."
"Alanna-"
"It’s privet, Jon." she hissed.
"Privet?" He almost yelled the word. "He was my friend too, Alanna! It’s not privet. You told me as much yourself when Thayet died. Why won’t you let me help you the way you helped me?"
"That was different." Alanna said, looking away from him.
"You know it’s not." he replied. "It’s been three years, Alanna. You have to let it go. Let him go. You’re driving yourself crazy."
Alanna let out a bitter laugh, "Don’t I deserve it?" She demanded. "All he did was love me and that's the only reason he’s gone."
Jon pulled her to her feet, lightning illuminating his face. "Alanna, it’s not your fault."
"I wasn’t even here." she mumbled, lost in thought. "I was never with him. Do you-do you think," she asked, "things would have been different if I’d just been here for him?"
Jon forced her to look at him. Rain fell down his face in rivlets. "We live a violent life, Alanna-"
"No." she hissed, pulling away from his grasp. "I live a violent life."
"And he knew that." Jon said gently. "He loved you regardless.
Alanna crossed her arms, closing her eyes in despair. "It should have been me." The words, which she had never said to anyone else, were incredibly hard to say.
Jon’s arms wrapped around her from behind, pulling her against the warmth of his chest. "Just as the assasins poison was meant for me, not Thayet."
They were silent for a moment, the storm raging around them, their clothes soaked to the point of become second skin. Alanna took comfort in her friends strong arms in that brief moment. She had not been held since George had left her--the thought of her husband made Alanna wrench away from Jon. Unable to bear the touch of another, even Jon. She knew why he was here and what he wanted. She wished he would just leave her be.
"Alanna!" Jonathan spun her around, eyes a little wild as the squall raged on around them,. "Listen to me! George is gone. He’s dead, Alanna."
"I know that!" she screamed at him. The stones under her feet quivered as thunder ripped through the sky.
"Do you?" he asked. "You can’t even bring yourself to say it!"
"Why?" she yelled at him. "Why are you doing this to me? Leave me alone!"
He stepped closer to her. "You know why I’m doing this," he replied softly. Yes, she knew, and she wished the rumbling stones beneath him would open up ans swallow him for it.
"It isn’t your fault!" Jon insisted. "You can’t be everywhere! You were in Trebond when the Swoop was attacked." He shook her gently, "Stop torturing yourself! You know as well as I that he wouldn’t want you to suffer like this."
She just gazed at him. The pain and guilt in her amethyst eyes made Jon feel ill. "Let me help you, Alanna," he said softly, brushing a lock of rain soaked hair from her eyes. Taking her small hands in his, Jon kissed her fingers lightly. "Let me love you."
Alanna started at him as if he’d lost his mind. Her own mind was at war with itself again, part of her horrified he had even said it, the other glad the truth was finally said. Her breathing was became labored, tears spilling over. "I can’t." She replied hoarsely. "I don’t-"
"Don’t," he interupped, one of his large hands covering her mouth. "Don’t even try to tell me you don’t love me. We both know that’s not true."
Alanna looked at him, wishing he would vanish even as she thanked the Goddess she still had him. That he was still alive. "I do love you, Jon."
"But?" He prompted.
Alanna’s face crumpled. "Every one I love dies. Everyone. Thom, Faithful, Laim, Thayet... George. I loved them all."
"As did I." Jon replied. "I’m willing to take the risk." he added teasingly, longing to see her smile. "But it’s not really that, is it?" Jon said when she didn’t respond.
His Lady Knight looked up at him, eye miserable. "I don’t think I can love you-I can’t love-" she broke off, unable to finish.
Jon’s smiled at her sadly, his eyes filled with understanding. "You don’t think you can love me the way you love George," he finished for her.
Alanna nodded, refusing to met his gaze. Jon crushed her to his chest. "I would never ask that of you. I don’t even want you to try." Gently, he pushed her back so their eyes could meet, "Listen to me, Alanna," he said. "I’m not George. I don’t want to replace him. I just want to love you."
Alanna gazed at him for a long while, eyes unblinking. The storm intensified, the rain falling hard enough to leave small red welts in their wake. Still she watched him, searching for an answer. "I don’t know if I can..." she said slowly.
Hope grew and took flight in Jonathan’s chest, "But?"
Her bottom lip trembled as she tried to smile. "But I can try. Is that enough?
Jon’s eyes closed in relief. Pulling her to him, he held on to her as if she would disappear. "That’s enough. It’s more than enough."
For the record, I am a huge A/G fan ( I practically lost my mind when they ended up together. All of these characters belong to Tammy, I make no money off of this, so on and so forth, you get the idea....
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