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If You Were Gay
AN: This is a songfic to “If You Were Gay”, from the hilarious musical, Avenue Q. Personally, I think that something like this had to happen sometime during Alanna’s years as a “boy”. BTW, you should totally Google the song if you don’t know it, because this is WAY funnier if you have the tune in your head. ^_^
There was no easy way to say it, yet Raoul of Goldenlake just had to know. He had always had his suspicions about Alan – the lad was quite effeminate. His voice was rather high, he was small and thin, and had no facial hair to speak of. Appropriately manly growth wasn’t the only thing that he lacked – Raoul could never recall seeing Alan make eyes at any woman, even though he danced with them and was quite courteous.
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT'D BE OKAY.
Now that Raoul thought about it, the only reason Alan seemed to interact with the ladies at court was because his knight master made him. As he walked towards his friend’s rooms, his train of thought lingered on Prince Jonathan of Conté. Some of the looks he thought Alan sent his regal friend’s way… Could Alan have a crush on his knight master? Was that why Jon pushed his squire to involve himself with the ladies?
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
Not that any of this would change his friendship with the younger boy. It might be a little awkward at first, but Raoul was still going to be Alan’s friend.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE TO SAY
THAT I WAS GAY
He would just have to make it absolutely clear that he was as straight as an arrow.
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
An unbroken, perfectly accurate, straight arrow.
IF YOU WERE QUEER
I'D STILL BE HERE,
YEAR AFTER YEAR
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME.
Raoul arrived at Alan’s quarters and took a deep breath. Here goes nothing, he thought as he raised a hand to knock on the door. Suddenly, though, he paused. He could hear voices inside. Feeling rather guilty about it, Raoul pressed his ear up to the door to try and make out what Alan and the voice that he was sure belonged to Jon, were saying.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,
"HEY! GUESS WHAT,
I'M GAY!"
“She means nothing to me!” he heard Jon exclaim.
“Really?” said Alan. “The way your eyes were down her dress could have fooled me.”
“They were practically falling out!” said Jon indignantly.
“Her breasts or your eyes?”
Raoul heard Jon sigh rather loudly and say, “We’ll what about you and George?”
The young knight abruptly backed away from the door – this was all too much for him to handle. Ok, Alan was gay, but Jon and George as well? What sort of warped love triangle had he stumbled upon? Gathering up his courage once more, Raoul stepped forward and knocked on the door, determined to get to the bottom of the situation. He heard the two men inside stop arguing and a moment later Alan opened the door.
“Uh, hi, Raoul,” said the young man. “This is sort of a bad time.”
No kidding, Raoul thought to himself.
Aloud, he said, “Sorry, but this is kind of important.”
Alan sighed and invited his friend inside. To Jon, he said, “We’ll have to finish this conversation later.”
Jon just snorted and stalked through the door to his rooms, slamming it behind him.
Pointedly ignoring the angry prince, Raoul gestured towards Alan’s table and said, “Um, could we sit down?” Though Alan gave him a strange look, he complied with his friend’s request. Sitting across from him, Raoul decided that the direct approach would be best and asked, “Alan, are you gay?”
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
Alan just looked at him for a moment, dumbfounded, then said, “No. Why… do you ask?”
“Well,” Raoul replied, “you’re so feminine, and well…” Reluctant to admit it, he continued, “I sort of overheard your argument with Jon before I knocked.”
Alan sat there and blinked at his friend. “Really?”
“Uh, yeah…”
Alan looked thoughtful, and then after a long moment, he said, “Well in that case, yes, I suppose I am gay.”
“You are?”
“Well you’re the one who asked.”
I'M HAPPY
JUST BEING WITH YOU.
“What about Jon, though? And George? Remember – I overheard your argument.”
“They’re both gay too,” Alan said cheerfully.
“Are they really?”
“Well I’m not sure about George, but Jon is, definitely.”
Raoul paused, absorbing this new information. Though he sort of didn’t want to know, he just had to ask: “Are you… sleeping with Jon?”
SO WHAT SHOULD IT
MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED
WITH GUYS?
“Yep, we’re lovers,” Alan replied, causing a shudder to go through his much larger friend.
IF YOU WERE GAY
I'D SHOUT HOORAY!
AND HERE I'D STAY,
BUT I WOULDN'T GET
IN YOUR WAY.
“Well…” said Raoul slowly, “I guess that’s all I had to say, not that I’ll repeat any of it, of course.”
“That would probably be for the best,” said Alan, nodding. Raoul left his friend’s room and decided to head down to the Dancing Dove – he really needed a drink. Suddenly he remembered what Alan had said about George… Ok, so maybe not at the Dancing Dove, he thought warily.
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
TO ALWAYS BE
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,
Meanwhile, back in Alan’s rooms, “Alan” was in hysterics.
“Alanna, what are you going on about?” asked Jon crossly, reentering her rooms.
“Oh, nothing,” she replied coolly. “Raoul just thinks we’re gay now.”
“WHAT?!”
YOU WERE JUST BORN
THAT WAY,
“Well think about it,” said Alanna. “He’s not going to tell and it sort of makes things easier for me.”
“For you maybe,” said Jon indignantly, “but what about me?”
“All the better reason to keep your eyes out of Lady Elisa’s dress.”
AND, AS THEY SAY,
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,
“Alanna,” Jon moaned, “how could you do this to me?”
“Oh, come off of it,” said his squire. “It’s just Raoul and he thinks that George is gay too.”
“George, really?”
“He overheard our argument before he came in.” Jon couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “Hey, here’s a suggestion,” Alanna continued, “how about we go make what I said true, and go be gay together.”
YOU'RE GAY!
“But, my love,” said Jon, grinning, “that’s already true.”
“Excellent,” said Alanna as she pushed her knight master onto the bed.
IF YOU WERE GAY…
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